Unemployed, pregnant and screwed

It all started just over three years ago, back in 2020, I stepped into a new life chapter - MOTHERHOOD. During the early pregnancy days, I realized that it will be a life-changing experience, not only because I quit a well-paid job a day before finding out I am pregnant and a few weeks later self-isolation started around the world due to covid, BUT I have promised to become the best version of myself, to be a role model and the best mum for a little human I haven't even met (perfectionism was playing a big game!).

So now I was unemployed, pregnant and screwed... I realized I have to be fully dependent on my husband. (Yes, I was entitled to maternity pay, which in the UK was around £140 per week, and I saw this as disrespect - who on Earth can feel secure raising a child with such as income change). Of course, we were preparing for this pregnancy, we just didn't expect it to happen so soon and within these circumstances. I started to blame myself for being so unresponsible, for not planning it all through - is not the right time! But honestly, it was never the right time, we always had more important goals to accomplish, we pushed our desire to have children for several years, and here I am looking at a positive test result, excited and scared of all the unknown. My dear husband reassured me that he will be able to cover all the expenses, and I started to feel more relaxed, and safe. I started to say to myself that this will be an opportunity for me to relax before the baby is born. I have worked so hard and I deserve this precious period, I will truly enjoy my pregnancy.

I thought I was truly relaxing by laying on the couch, watching Netflix, and eating without feeling the guilt of gaining extra weight! Just now I realise that I was actually blocking all these different feelings inside myself, I didn't allow the energy to flow through me (I even stopped physiotherapy sessions as I couldn't afford it anymore and I didn't want to face my feelings). I chose to self-isolate, so I could feel safe in my little world, to protect myself and the little human growing inside me from all the negative feelings...

Even though my heart wanted to shout out to the whole world that I am pregnant, I choose to stay quiet. Just later I realized that I was so concerned, about what my ex-colleagues will think about me ("She literally quit her job and then got pregnant, what a stupid decision, why anyone would do that"; "So now what, what she will do now? She can't just find another job, maybe she could ask her employer to come back"...). At the time, I didn't realize that it was actually a self-blame talking to me which I have locked down inside me. I allowed my thoughts to build a different reality inside my head and watching Netflix was the only thing that helped me to quiet those thoughts.

Luckily spring was coming to its fullest bloom and I started to feel more energetic - the Sun always had a magical power over me. I shared the news with my family and closest friends, everyone was so happy for us. I felt this happiness filling me up, I was so thankful this dark period have finished, and now I was able to enjoy my pregnancy! I was glowing!

Soon I realized it was just a beginning of a rollercoaster...

To be continued!

More will follow very soon (all the experiences are ready in my diary and just waiting to be told). Thank you for taking the time to read my first blog post, I hope my story will allow you to stop and listen to your heart, don't allow your thoughts to take over.

From heart to heart,

Soul talk